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Christian Sex Rules A guide to what's allowed in the bedroom
Louis and Melissa McBurney


When it comes to sex, most married Christians just do what works for
them. If they have been blessed enough to have discovered something
that brings satisfaction, pleasure, closeness, and climax, they most
likely will continue that practice. However, some are plagued with
guilt because they wonder if what they're doing is sinful.

Marriage Partnership receives many, many questions from Christian
couples who want to know what is and what is not okay to do sexually.
Unfortunately, churches tend to ignore this issue, small groups
usually don't talk about sex, and most Christian books deal with
more "spiritual" ideas.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a list of sexual practices categorized
by "sinful" or "okay"? Is there such a list? Would everyone agree
with the list? Is there a solution to this dilemma?


We think the answers to those questions are: yes, no, no, and probably
not—in that order. We'd really like to create such a list that could
settle once and forever the niggling doubts about sexual practices.
But that's not possible. Different communities of Christians have
different understandings about sexual practices that are based on
a few general biblical principles. No list would be accepted by all
Christians. Still, we do want to provide some guidelines that we hope
will help you enjoy the gift of your sexuality to the fullest. That's
what we're convinced God wants for each of his children.


We doubt that God's surprised by the intensity of our sexual desire
or of its fulfillment. Seeing us enjoy the passion and pleasure seems
to fit with his creative nature. There are some definite boundaries,
however, that were identified through his Word. These are
established to protect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of
the gift. We think it's like our giving our kids bicycles. We'd
teach them the safety rules right away so they could delight in
the ride without being run over by a car on a busy street.


First, we'd like to point out the obvious—the Bible is not a manual
on sexual technique. We've heard some people say that Song of
Solomon describes acceptable sexual positions and behavior.
We see it as a poetic love song that clearly embraces the joy
of sexual play. We don't think it is an attempt to outline any
specific sexual practices.


Second, we want to emphasize again that there are some specific
sexual behaviors that are forbidden in scriptures. Adultery, that is
having sexual intercourse with another person's spouse or
a partner other than your own spouse, is a sin. Jesus, in the Sermon
on the Mount, deepens the importance of marital faithfulness by
extending the prohibition of infidelity to include a lustful
thought life as well as the physical act of intercourse. Looking into
our minds and hearts is an important principle for safeguarding
the delights of intimacy.


Scripture is also clear about the evil of fornication—premarital sexual
intercourse—which most of our culture accepts as normal and
irresistible. We see many couples suffering from the
consequences of their early promiscuity. The "sexual freedom" of
our time isn't free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs.


The Bible also lists other practices that are "abominations" to God
(Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I Cor. 6:12-20).
These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest.


And last, there is a vast array of possible sexual practices for married
couples that are not mentioned at all in Scripture (we can find no
reference to Internet pornography, vibrators, or videos). So, since
we aren't likely to find a definitive answer, the best we can do is
find the principles God has given us and apply them to the cultural
setting we're living in. As we look for those you may not be
surprised to find that we're not much different in the twenty-first century
than how mankind has been since creation. We have the same
anatomical equipment, the same physiologic hormones, the same
mental capacity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational
needs that have always driven men and women to seek sexual pleasure
and intimacy. As

Ecclesiastes says, "there is nothing new under the sun," except maybe
the vast array of new toys.


Exclusivity
Many studies have confirmed what biblical commandments imply. That
is that becoming one flesh with one partner provides the best setting
for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator sport for
group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to score
with multiple partners.

Casual sex as a way to prove one's prowess or simply achieve
physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his or her
ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some pleasure, it fails
to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was designed to give.

A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters into a more
secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In that bed
sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having sex.
Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and
comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy.


Mutuality
It is obvious to most couples early on that men and women are
significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually
have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms
of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness
through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent
love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over
positions for intercourse, frequency of sex, and experimentation
with different sources of stimulation.

This creates enormous opportunity for a couple to develop mutual
submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual will have ways
to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his or her mate.
We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge way to guide
your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely mature love.


Doing only what is mutually agreeable sexually means that each partner
will make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. A wife may give herself
more frequently or try a variety of sexual experiences that go beyond
her comfort zone. A husband may relinquish some sexual fantasy
or adjust his demands for intercourse twice a day just to show love
to his mate. Those exercises in personal restraint are not easy, but
help build the oneness of intimacy.


Specific behaviors that often fit this criteria are oral sex, rear-entry
vaginal penetration, initiation of sexual activity, positions for intercourse,
and mutual masturbation. We find no scriptural injunction against
any of these or of frequency of intercourse. The Old Testament
command of not having intercourse during a woman's menstrual
period does seem to have the medical benefit of avoiding
some infectious processes. Paul's admonition in I Corinthians not
to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this
general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy
of sexual desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.


Pleasurability
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're doing doesn't
bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment and distance
between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming one flesh."
It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain for one
or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something is
creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or
painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy.


At times couples may want to explore the areas of sado-masochistic
sex or bondage fantasies. We feel that these behaviors move sex
out of the arena of selfless love into that of power or domination
fantasies. In those neighborhoods sex becomes an invasive,
controlling behavior in which one person is violated. That is a sexual
perversion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate
devaluation of one (or both) partners. When domination is a
necessary ingredient for sexual pleasure there tends to be development
of tolerance to the level of excitation. Hence increasing levels of the
stimulation are required for the same sense of gratification. This is
seen in its extreme in pornography that includes rape and even
murder as forms of sexual stimulation.


Relationality
Duh! You might think. Well, of course, sexual intimacy includes a
strong relational component.

Unfortunately, that ain't necessarily so. One of the most destructive
forces we're seeing these days is the increasing frequency of sexual
addictive disorders. When having sexual release becomes an
addiction driven to levels of compulsive behavior, the relationship
with a marriage partner may be replaced with various stimuli that
are essentially fantasy based. We have seen men deeply hooked
on Internet pornography (or other forms). They are compulsively
driven to increasing exposure to pornographic stimulation and
masturbatory release of sexual tension. We have seen women
equally hooked on romance novels or chat-room sex talk for
sexual release. These disorders
displace the relational dimension of sexuality.


Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes place mechanically with mental
fantasies from the artificial relationships providing the only sexual
stimulation. That robs marriage of the most crucial part of
intimacy—the blend of relational and sexual connectedness.

The use of pornographic films from whatever source introduces
this possible danger into your sexuality. Explicit sexual materials can
provide sexual excitement and arousal, but that form of
stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. Those images
may also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yourselves
since most couples don't maintain or ever achieve the sensual
appearance of porn actors and models. The whole industry is
based on illusions and those lies can lead to death of your relationship
as well as your sexual satisfaction.


Perpetuating Genital Union
We delight in sexual playfulness and creative ways to pleasure one
another, but unless it is not physically possible for a couple, we think
nothing you do should completely replace genital union.
The symbolism of having the embrace of vagina to penis and total
giving of the erect penis to the welcoming vaginal canal is a recurring
reminder that we were created for each other. The intimacy
of that connectedness should awaken our most primitive desire for
oneness. To enjoy sexual release in that most passionate form of
embrace welds us into oneness like few other experiences.


Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D., Real Sex columnists for Marriage
Partnership, are marriage therapists and co-founders of Marble
Retreat in Marble, Colorado, where they counsel clergy couples.



Also See:

Sex and Sexuality

Relationships & Marriage


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