How do I find the right person for me?
Is This the Right Person for Me?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
"How will I know when I meet the right person?"
I often hear this question in my counseling practice. The
answer is fairly complex.
There are two different reasons that people have for wanting
to get married:
1. To get love, validation, security and safety.
2. To share love and to grow emotionally and spiritually.
People who feel insecure and alone are likely to look for
someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give them the
love they are seeking. They want to find someone who will
complete them and make them feel adequate and worthy. The
problem is that no one can do this for another person - it
is something we each need to learn to do for ourselves.
Since we are always attracted to people who are at our
common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a
person looking to get love will attract a person also
looking to get love. Each person hopes to get filled from
the other, not realizing that each feels empty and really
has nothing to give. Therefore, no one is the right person
when the intent of getting married is to get love and
security rather than to share love and learning.
Instead of asking the question, "Is this the right person
for me?" why not ask, "Am I being the right person?" Am I
being a person who comes to a relationship filled with love
to share, or am I being a needy person hoping to get love
and validation?
The main reason that many relationships don't work out is
because each person is disappointed in not getting what they
expected to get from the other person. But when a person
does not know how to love and validate themselves and create
an inner sense of safety and security, they certainly can't
do this for another person. Yet this is what each person
expects of the other. It's like trying to get water from a
rock. What do you have to give when you feel empty within
and want to get filled through another's love?
It is actually fairly easy to know if this is the right
person for you when your intent in being in a relationship
is to learn together and share love. A person who comes from
a full place within finds it easy to discern when someone is
empty inside, and will not be attracted to the empty person.
A person who is truly open to learning about themselves, to
growing emotionally and spiritually, to taking
responsibility for their own feelings of safety and
security, worth and lovability, will not be attracted to a
person who is closed, controlling, and just wants to get
love.
Knowing if this is the right person for you does not happen
instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a
person is who they say they are. You cannot really know who
a person is until you have conflict and find out what this
person does in conflict. Some people can appear very open
and loving until a conflict comes up and then they get
angry, withdraw, resist or comply, closing down rather than
staying open to learning about themselves and the other
person. An important question is, how does this person deal
with conflict and how long does it take them to open up if
they do close in the face of conflict?
Since none of us enter relationships fully healed, it is
very important to know that your partner is willing to
explore conflict rather than just protect against it with
controlling behavior. Conflict occurs in all relationships,
and if both people are not open to learning about themselves
and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts
will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are a person who is open to learning and wants a
relationship in order to share love, there are three
essential ingredients that need to be present for the person
to be the right person for you:
1. There needs to be a basic spark of attraction. If you do
not feel physically attracted to this person within the
first six months of the relationship, the chances are this
attraction will not develop. It does not need to be instant,
but it does need to be there at some point.
2. Both of you need to be capable of caring, compassion, and
empathy - to be a giver rather than just a taker. If this
person just wants what they want and doesn't care about what
you want, they are not the right person for you. If you just
want what you want and you don't care about what the other
person wants or feels, you are not ready for a relationship.
3. Both people need to be open to learning in conflict
rather than just wanting to win and be right. If both people
are open to learning in conflict, conflicts will be resolved
in loving ways, but power struggles will result if one or
both of you are intent on controlling and winning.
Other ingredients, such as common interests and values, are
also important, but without the above three ingredients,
they will not sustain the relationship.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
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