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How to have a great relationship
The Key to a Great Relationship
by Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
We all want great relationships but they seem so elusive.
What can you to strengthen yours? The key is
communication, but try taking it up a notch. Communicate at
all levels with your partner - emotional, mental, physical
and spiritual.
Make time for communication with your partner, and remember
that the greatest gift you can give someone else is to
listen to them. Here are some tips for listening with love.
GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION
This means look at your partner, quiet background noise, and
rid your mind of distractions. Don't be thinking about your
day, or thinking about what you're going to say - next, or
ever. Just still your mind, and make it receptive for
taking in what the other person has to say.
ASK ABOUT FEELINGS
Ask you partner how they're feeling, but include all levels
- emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. This will help
them get in touch with their center, and will also bring you
closer to know how they're feeling in all areas.
INDICATE WITH NONVERBAL EXPRESSIONS THAT YOU ARE GENUINELY INTERESTED
In doing this, you will generate interest. It's not always
easy to listen to what your partner has to say. You may
have heard this, or another version, many times before.
Often we have recurring things at work, for instance, that
we need to talk about. Maintain active eye contact, add "uh
huh" or "really?" or "oh my" from time-to-time, and try your
best to keep still. Fidgeting may not mean you're not
interested, but it may be taken that way.
Learn to express love and concern on your face. It's very
important. This is natural when you look at your baby, for
instance. Your heart melts . your eyes soften . you can't
help a big smile. Give this gift to your partner. Show
that you love them. It's in the eyes, first and foremost.
It's also nice to add, "I love you," or "I enjoy listening
to you talk." These reassurances are loving, and can't be
overused.
MAKE IT YOUR PARTNER'S TIME TO TALK
It's better if you can take turns. This will allow your
partner the time to talk it out completely, without you
feeling the pressure to get on to your turn, and your
concerns. In a good relationship, you can be sure your turn
will come.
DO "TALK STORY"
This is a Polynesian term for a special kind of
communication between two lovers. It means the couple sets
aside a special time and one partner just talks and talks
until they are through. It can go on for quite a long time.
The other person just listens. This is harder than it may
sound at first, but you can develop the habit, and it will
greatly enrich your relationship.
It's similar to "free associating," because the speaker can
count on not being corrected, judged, interrupted, or even
really commented upon. This is amazingly freeing, healing,
and amazingly hard to come by. It allows the speaker to get
to the heart of the matter, and his or her feelings, and
learn all sorts of things.
MANAGE TIME
Time is a crucial element to loving communication. We are
under so much time pressure these days, our serious
conversations can be squeezed in between changing diapers,
taking out the garbage, and getting the dinner dishes done.
We often feel rushed to hurry up and say what we have to
say, and we listen the same way, unconsciously sending out
the vibes that we hope our partner will just hurry up and
get it said because we have to catch our favorite television
show, or get to sleep because we have a big meeting in the
morning.
The other person can sense when we're listening this way,
and it defeats the purpose of Talk Story.
A good way to do this is lying side-by-side, on the bed, a
hammock, a blanket under the stars, a sailboat! It is
"just" talking and one of the most healing things a person
can do. The other person just listens, without making
comments or judgments.
LEARN TO LOVE THE SILENCES
Between two people who are intimate, silence can be a very
special place. They are often the prelude to very important
sharing.
For one thing, it is rarely tolerated in casual
conversation, so it is special just in itself. Being able
to sit with the silence of your partner will allow them to
look more deeply within, and bring up what it is they need
to talk about. Don't rush them by feeling the need to "fill
air time." Allowing empty space is a great gift you can
give one another. Give them permission to take their time,
and to fill the silence when and if they're ready.
Good communication between two partners involves talking and
listening. A lot more has been written on the art of
talking. Remember that the listening, and the silences, are
equally important.
©Susan Dunn, MA Psychology, Emotional Intelligence Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Susan is the author of "Do You
Hear What I Hear,"
http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , and other EQ
ebooks. She offers individual and executive coaching, and
internet courses.
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