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Seven Weeks to Sexual Heaven
Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D.


Does your love life have all the excitement of a wet noodle? Have you
forgotten what it's like to tingle when you kiss? Do you and your
partner feel, at the end of the work day, like you're just too tired to
make love -- or even cuddle? If so, then clear your mind of all the
well-worn notions of what it takes to got yourself In the mood, as
they say, and be prepared to follow these simple -- yet specific --
steps towards a more fulfilling and passionate sex life.


That's right -- no classical music, no wine and roses, no toe-nibbling
or ear-blowing. This is a seven-week regimen of graduated sensual
exercises which, when followed, has been proven to improve the
romantic lives of thousands of couples.


In the 26 years since I've been teaching them, I've witnessed the
resurrection of thousands of relationships from growing old and stale --
gracefully,


Before I get into specifics, I'd like to point out that the reason most
couples find it difficult to combine love and sex is that the feeling of
great sex -- which is initially so exhilarating -- becomes frightening as
individuals fear losing themselves In the other person. This hearkens
back to the feelings we had in infancy, when we lost ourselves in
our mother's arms. The key is letting go, but knowing that you can
regain control when you want to. This is a way to "un-daddy" or
"un-mommy" your partner.


This is a treatment of feelings not bodies. The bodies are used to access
the feelings, which make this therapy different.


When the sexual impulse is broken, as in all sexual dysfunction, it
indicates a strong disconnection from self. It is the sex therapist's
role to help the individuals heal the injury, and reconnect with
themselves again, and then with each other. The exercises I teach
take both time and commitment, so you and your partner should be
ready and willing to make an effort.


FIRST WEEK
Toss a coin. The winner has the privilege of initiating the first sensuous
exercise -- of being the one who is touched.

To start this process, the winner must say, at some point during the next
week, "I want to be touched now." He/she must take the partner by the
hand into the bedroom and get undressed with the light on, get into the
bed and proceed to show your partner where you want to be touched --
with the exception of the breasts and genitals-- by giving non-verbal
signs, such as moving the toucher's hand and pressing it down for harder
and up for gentler touching. No return touch -- and no intercourse --
is allowed. The touchee must concentrate on what he/she is feeling.
Drink it in!

This should proceed anywhere from 15- 45 minutes. When the touchee
has had enough, switch roles and proceed with the same.

This process is not a performance. Let your feelings arise as they will,
focusing on what you are feeling at the moment. Even If they turn out
not to feelings of arousal, but sadness, anger, and pain.


SECOND WEEK
Continue with the touching exercises, but now make sure you do them
three times a week. See just how experimental you can get without
touching breasts or genitals. Try playing with feathers,
or even unusual locations, such as the shower.

Experiment with kissing. Many couples have abandoned kissing and
move right to sex. Kissing is an important part of this exercise as you
can't depersonalize sex while looking into someone's eyes.


THIRD WEEK
You are going to bring genital sex Into your sex life now--but in a new
way. Continue with the three sessions, but finish them by masturbating
simultaneously in front of each other. This may sound strange at first --
like the opposite of intimacy -- but you will find that once you have
shared this ultimate secret with each other, your intimacy will become
even more profound. I've heard feedback from couples who say that
after this exercise, their partner becomes more real to them.


FOURTH WEEK
Include breasts but not genitals in each of your three sessions this week.
It is up to the touchee to decide when to stop You may also indicate
how you want your breasts touched. (Many women allow their
breasts to be touched in a way that is not stimulating, simply because
they are too shy to ask for what they want.)


FIFTH WEEK
This week, together each of you should stand before a full-length mirror.
Say what you like about your body out loud. Do not compare your
body to anyone else's.

Then take a good look at your genitals, like a doctor giving a physical
exam. Again out loud, describe everything you see. The purpose of this
is to make yourself more comfortable with your genitals. When you
are finished the partner goes next.

Next, start your usual touching session. Then you can explore the genitals,
with the touching guiding the partner's hand as you explore each partners'
private parts, but only for a minute.

During the second session, experiment with the arousal. Let it build
and subside. You will discover, in time, that arousal and erection will
return over and over again. After orgasm, help guide your partner's
hand on your genitals, showing what you would like after sex as well.


SIXTH WEEK
Start experimenting with variations such as oral sex. By now you should
realize that the key to intimacy is expressing your needs and the key to
releasing your feelings to the ability to linger with them. Continue the
exercises, but now note that the touchee may respond as he/she wishes.


SEVENTH WEEK
Don't forget to touch the whole body before you touch the genitals.

After some period of touching, the man should lie flat on his back and
the woman should straddle him. She should gently insert only the tip
of his penis into her vagina for one minute only. Do not move.
Make it a "nice visit." Return to stroking. Do not have intercourse.
During the next session, do the same thing, but the woman should
gradually put the man's penis inside her. Notice how you
are joined together.

Now you can go "all the way," trying different positions. This may
be the first time you've experienced such closeness. Hopefully, the
intimacy you now feel will make you view your sexuality In a whole
new -- and exciting -- light!

Whether you are a heterosexual or gay couple, your success at
this program using this article, a book, video how-to package, or a
week's workshop, depends on your motivation, and your ability to
go slow and not rush to orgasm or intercourse. You must learn
that you do not turn each other on, but YOU TURN YOURSELVES
ON WITH EACH OTHER.


Originally Published at:
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/sex/sexseven.html

 

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